EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a letter to my 17 year old self.
Anton,
You’re a beautiful human being.
You can’t even recognize how you are night and day compared to everyone else in the family.
You are not like them.
Stop agonizing about finding a girlfriend.
If you only listen to ONE thing I say, let it be this:
GET A THERAPIST.
(It will save you years of suffering.)
Stay focused. You’re way more powerful than you could imagine.
Someday, you’ll discover your ability to deal with adversity is legendary.
That’s coming from me… and everybody who knows me.
I wish you could see your good qualities the way I do.
At 37, I’m trying my best to be like you.
I’m trying to beat YOUR high school records.
It took me over a decade to realize how profound the lessons you are learning are. You’re going to school… and think you’re learning Algebra and Calculus.
But, what you’re learning is how to work hard… Keep your nose on the grindstone… Delay gratification… and focus on long-term goals.
Twenty years from now, you will have outworked them all… Just as you predicted. The results will speak for themselves.
Open your heart.
Not so much to other people but to yourself.
You are in a much worse circumstance than you realize. It will be a long time before you have the space and resources to heal from the damage being done to you.
Cherish your mother.
Be strong.
You’re going to have many tough times, but you’re going to learn to survive.
You’re going to discover that you can hack it among the BEST. Feel free to believe in yourself ahead of time.
The cards are stacked against you right now.
That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain.
There’s no escaping the misery that you’re in right now. It’s too powerful and all-encompassing. Even now, there is nothing I can say to you to stop it. I’m sorry. You deserve better.
They’re laughing at you now… But just wait.
They’re going to be seething.
Beside themselves with envy.
You’re going to outgrow all of them put together.
You’ll see the people around you for the children they are.
All those times, your father beat you, berated you, humiliated you, abused you.
One day… the tables will turn.
And he’s going to regret all of it sorely.
Revenge will be served ICE COLD.
Best believe that.
In hard times today… When things are so incredibly tough… I still listen to the same songs you’re listening to right now.
Be Strong by Sizzla
Only the Strong Will Continue by Nas and Damian Marley
Rabbit Run by Eminem
I think about how you had a remarkable talent for predicting the future. It’s uncanny.
Learn about ADHD — take your needs seriously.
Be selfish.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more selfish.
You’re going to make a lot of mistakes.
A LOT.
Some are so bad I’m still too embarrassed to tell anyone about them.
But… Your tenacity is legendary.
It will make you soar to heights you can’t even imagine.
I remember in senior year when you were in writing class moaning before the entire room — bitter — that you weren’t good at anything.
You were so upset that even the teacher commented. Everyone could see how firmly you believed you were not good at anything.
Little do you know that even though your brother will get the writing degree…
You’re the one who will become a successful writer.
Yours are the words that will be broadcast on Times Square and before millions of people.
You are the one who will be writing for celebrities, publishing your widely read newsletter, and publishing your memoir.
Twenty years later, I read the only surviving essay from that class. And let me tell you…
I was shocked to discover that you were an incredible writer long before becoming a professional copywriter.
If you’re wondering — with the extra 20 years of writing experience, I’m certainly a much better writer than you are today…
But still, I can tell you that if you were my son, and you brought home that essay to me…
I would be blown away.
I’m dead serious.
So much so that I repurposed YOUR essay into a chapter in my new book.
That’s how proud of you I am.
Nobody ever gives you the credit you deserve.
Your father DOES NOT deserve you.
Sometimes, I wish I could summon your tenacity. Boy — with two learning disabilities that you know nothing about. Who hustled his way out of St. Lucia at age 14. It was the single best thing that ever happened to me. You did that.
Don’t be in such a rush for tomorrow.
Always keep one foot firmly planted in the here and now.
Savor these moments.
Be kind to yourself.
Don’t believe people who put you down.
You’re surrounded by bad people.
I know today… after it was all said and done… You’d be proud of me.
I’m sure of that.
But hang in there. It will be many years of giving you less than you deserve. I’m sorry. I won’t be able to get my act together until I get professional help — which is why I would like you to see a therapist as fast as possible.
This will make all the difference and give you the right tools and support.
Getting out of St. Lucia will be the challenge of your lifetime.
You will soar much farther than anyone else in the family. Take that for what you will. That won’t be an accident. It will be because of all the hard work you’re doing right now.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
ALWAYS.
EVERY DAY.
DON’T STOP.
I SAID DON’T STOP…
You taught me that hard work does pay off. That it’s okay to reach for the stars. That ignoring the future has consequences.
Stop hanging around people who treat you like dirt.
Today, I am an artist because I am you. And nothing has changed.
I struggle about whether I should tell you to be less impulsive.
On the one hand…
You do make multiple impulsive financial decisions that will hurt.
On the other…
You’ve always been the one who was able to take decisive action while everyone else was paralyzed with fear and indecision.
Don’t ever let go of running.
And take better care of yourself. Mentally and physically. There are tools available to you right now that would help A LOT.
You weren’t wrong about your family. Nothing’s changed.
They’re all the same, just older and more pathetic.
Take yourself seriously.
Even when people overlook you.
Even when they treat you like you don’t matter.
You don’t have to accept the lousy treatment you’re getting from just about everyone.
Most of the people you hang out with DO NOT deserve you.
You’re smarter than you think.
You’re more beautiful than you think.
Everything’s going to work out in the long run.
Trust people less.
Trust yourself more.
You don’t need a girlfriend to complete you. You feel lonely — as anyone in your position would — but until you get some therapy, women will make you suffer. Trust me — there will be some gorgeous women in your future. God blessed you.
Money will not fill the hole that is in your heart.
Your pain is valid — it’s real.
Even if people tell you the opposite.
Hang in there. I think about all the abuse you endured all the time. I want you to know that if you were my son, I would NEVER treat you the way your father and family have treated you.
He’s going to get his comeuppance. Don’t worry.
Try not to beat yourself up. In the long run, it will all be dead and buried.
You have a good head on your shoulders.
You have way better judgment than you think.
You have a lonely road, but I will be there for you, waiting on the other side.
It’s not too late to accomplish almost anything you want. Banish those thoughts from your mind.
Get as much help as you can find.
Seize the moment.
Double down on you.
Get some space from your family.
Re-evaluate your friends.
Most of them are shit.
You deserve better.
You’ll find this hard to believe, but you’ve come full circle today — you’ve found God. Yes. You found a religion that you love.
Today, you are a track athlete…
You see yourself as mediocre at best. But I see a savage.
Don’t forget that you’re the only one who consciously decides to work as hard as you do. The results will pay off. I’m forever grateful for your sacrifices.
I remember that at 20, you would be on a treadmill at your university gym.
You had a routine of running a mile on the treadmill as fast as you could. And you’ll put the speed a little faster than you should…
Then you’ll slip and fall to the ground among all these other students in this cardio room.
The whole room is going to freeze, putting a spotlight on you. What are you going to do next?
I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.
You’ll get up, dust yourself off, and keep running like nothing happened.
Much to the horror of everyone else.
That’s you.
All of those cold winter nights and mornings — you busting your ass in the gym with Pat. Those days will pave the way.
For all the people who said you were a crybaby, faggot, bitch, gay, pussy…
You’re stronger than every last one of them. That’s why tomorrow, you will call yourself Mike Tyson.
Life is going to deal you some hard blows.
Very hard. Even with the benefit of hindsight, I can do nothing to stop the hurt from coming.
It’s going to break you.
You’re going to want to die.
All I can say for the time being… is that you’re not alone in your pain. It’s not unique. It will pass. And you will use it to fuel your creativity and willpower.
It’s going to be a massive catalyst for your growth.
I want you to know that, looking back, I have very few regrets. There were many tough times and seasons of depression.
But very little to regret.
Those battles are what will make you strong.
Stronger than you might guess.
The only thing I would think to change would be for you to get into therapy — and stay there — as soon as possible.
You will walk through fire and come out forged in steel. And when you do—remember, it was always in you.
You’re going to go through hell.
But one day, you’re going to wake up and discover…
You’re the Devil.
Until next time,
Anton
Dancer, Writer, Buddhist
Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Share this post