How to Become a Fantastic Listener

I’ve seen this repeatedly—people breaking down because I listened.

That’s the power of good listening.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Fine, thanks.” She said.

But I didn’t accept her superficial answer.

I said, “Are you sure? Because the last time we spoke, I felt you might be going through something.”

She Starts Crying

Her father had stage 4 cancer.

Being attentive like that can allow you to step deeply into someone’s heart.

I was on a date.

It was going alright, but I could tell that something was off.

I could see it in her eyes.

I might crack a joke, and she would laugh, but there was a sadness behind the smile and laughter.

“Are you sad?” I ask.

“No…” She said.

I study her eyes for a few moments.

“No,” I said. “You are sad.”

She starts to cry.

It was a profound and powerful moment.

That simple exchange transformed her from being a stranger to a dear friend.

When nobody else picks up on the signals they’re putting out, but you do…

You get a visceral response.

There’s a deep bonding that happens.

She never told me what was making her sad. She didn’t have to.

One time, I went for a walk with a lady friend. She used to come to a particular park with her brother.

On this day, we were walking the same route.

She told me about the different things she used to do with him at one location or another.

“We used to go fishing right here.” She said. Pointing to a little bay at the mouth of a swampy lake.

“We had birthday parties over there.” She pointed to a little kid’s play area with swings and a sand pit.

I told her, “I can see you miss your brother today.”

That stopped her in her tracks.

“Miss him?” She said quizzically.

She hadn’t realized that I noticed that she went down memory lane about her little brother, who had passed away three years earlier, with her new brother of sorts, but I did.

The very fact that she needed a brother figure that evening spoke to how much she was feeling it in her bones.

She was in some agony about it.

The pain was so acute it was all-consuming.

She was beside herself with grief that day.

Yet, she still could not identify what was bothering her so much.

She was shocked that I could see that deeply into her soul — even more deeply than she could see for herself.

I have another example and a TRIGGER WARNING.

This is about suicide.

One night, a friend of mine texted me a typical paragraph about how she was doing, what she did that day, etc…

She slipped in there that she was having some suicidal thoughts that day like it was any other mundane activity.

Looking at the text… I heard what she was trying to say. See, my friend told several people about her suicidal thoughts that day.

I’m sure most of them replied and tried to say something supportive to cheer her up.

But those words alarmed me.

I tried to put myself in the shoes of someone who was feeling — not just depressed — but suicidal at that very moment.

And it became clear that this was no conversation over text messaging.

I called her.

That phone call will seem like a much bigger deal for the younger reader who understands how much young people hate talking on the phone when texting would suffice.

This friend was so blown away that I could hear her pain so clearly—enough to drop everything, call her immediately, and listen to her talk for an hour.

That’s what being a good friend looks like.

There’s an art to being a good listener.

As a copywriter and psychology student for many years, I stumbled upon a skill set that is both simple and powerful.

But you may not even know why this matters.

Let me attempt to make my case.

Most people don’t truly listen.

As far as I can tell, many conversations involve two people talking past each other.

Each person knows what they want to say next and waits for the person to finish their words.

But when you take up that posture, you lose out on so much depth to a conversation — the underlying meaning that genuinely strikes at the heart of what that person is trying to get at.

It creates a subtle resistance.

Most people know when they’re not being heard…

But to make someone feel heard, seen, and understood. That is one of the most powerful skills you can have. Easily. It’s as close to having superpowers as I think you can get.

First of all…

Most People Feel Unheard and Unseen by Default

Endlessly, we walk through this world hoping to find someone who can reflect our beauty, mystery, and vulnerabilities.

That person helps you see yourself.

You may not even know something about yourself until that person allows you to see that trait for the first time.

One of the main hidden goals of conversation is to understand oneself.

Helping someone understand themselves… now that’s one of the best gifts you can ever give to a person.

If you can help someone do that… I’m willing to bet they’ll never forget you for as long as they live.

We are starved. All of us feel so unseen that we’re already pissed off. Nay, pissed doesn’t begin to capture it when I think about how I feel when I see people misunderstanding me.

Misinterpreting my motivations…

Believing that I’m someone other than who I am…

There’s a lot of existential dread there.

It’s a longstanding and chronic problem.

I have triggers around feeling unseen.

It’s a reliable trigger back to my “Chauffeur” self.

There is no greater joy than being seen and feeling confirmed in our feelings, grounded in ourselves.

Being a good listener can give a person these incredible gifts.

That makes you a very special kind of friend.

If you can stare into someone’s soul and describe what you see in exquisite detail… that is a profound skill set.

Many of us are too busy trying to seek validation from others during our conversations. It’s the most obvious thing I’ve ever noticed.

However, as I improved at validating myself, I naturally felt more comfortable not focusing on myself during conversations.

If you have trouble sitting back and taking in everything someone says, I’d ask myself why.

You might discover some growth opportunities.

This is Extremely Powerful

One of the most incredible things about being a good listener is the harmony you create.

Deepening your listening skills makes you more empathetic, and others will immediately notice a dramatic difference.

Few things can elicit a more powerful emotional response.

When people feel that emotional connection, their everyday defenses come down. They relax because they feel safe being their true selves.

Once you decide to make listening your objective, we can start helping you become a better listener.

The first thing is… when you’re listening to someone… give them your full attention.

Don’t look away or steal glances at your phone.

Gestures like that will telegraph that you’re not that interested.

Instead, turn toward them. Look at them. Show an active listening posture. It makes a big difference.

Then…

You ask questions.

Lots of questions.

Questions like:

👉 “Oh? And what happened next?”

👉 “How did that make you feel?”

👉 “What kind of impact did this thing have on your life?”

👉 “How are you different because of this experience?”

As a listener, your agenda is to illuminate the other person’s thoughts and ideas to clarify what they’re trying to say.

It’s not to rebut or turn the conversation back toward yourself.

I learned this lesson so profoundly. Perhaps more profound than anyone needs to know.

Here it is:

In friendships, relationships, or parenting, you must validate the other person.

This is the most essential ingredient to having a healthy relationship, yet millions of people have no idea what it would feel like to have someone like that.

Some relationships consist of the opposite:

👉 Telling a person that you know what they think…

👉 You know what they feel…

👉 They speak their truth, and you deny it.

In a dynamic like that, you are not relating to the other person.

Gaslighting is all about trying to invalidate someone else’s experience.

To say what you think, feel, believe, or experience is unimportant.

You don’t count. You don’t matter. I control the narrative, not you.

When you listen, you often discover a depth of meaning that isn’t obvious to you or the other person. When conversing with someone, it’s always a good idea to help them identify how they feel.

I’ll look them over and give them my best guess…

👉 “Are you frustrated?”

👉 “Sad?”

👉 “Worried?”

👉 “Disappointed?”

👉 “Feeling defeated?”

👉 “Grateful?”

👉“Optimistic?”

👉 “Relieved?”

Even if you’re wrong, you’ve already secured a massive win.

You are tuning into the other person, which automatically makes them start to feel seen.

They will perk up as they bask in your care and attention.

It’s a rare treat.

If you’re wrong, they will clarify.

👉 “No. I feel elated.”

👉 “No. I feel humbled.”

👉 “No. I’m in awe.”

👉 “No. I’m devastated.”

Listening will put them at ease.

Usually, that’s enough to soften them up.

If you think about it, this listening level is much better than you might see in many typical relationships.

This is why when I say I’m a premium product, I can stand behind what I say. I’m making myself an invaluable asset to the people around me.

It baffles me —

These fundamentals are VITAL.

Yet, almost nobody does them.

This universally applicable skill makes a night and day difference in the quality of your communication and relationships.

By taking the listening posture, you’re already well on your way to influencing the other person to support your agenda.

Until next time,

Anton

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist

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Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.